04/04-10/04/11

Wherein I present and briefly talk about the finest, funniest and foremost trailers released over the past week. Because hyperbole is fun.


 

Oh Duke of family Nukem, how you love to plough the fertile fields of controversy. First with your dildo trailer, then your stripper slapping mischiefery (not a real word), and now this shameless courting of mild dissension. Is Duke a dusty relic of a time best forgotten? Is he a man confused? Is it all just a case of the middle-aged gamer having grown up and accepted that misogyny just isn’t funny like it was in 1991?

Duke don’t care. In this trailer the mass of muscle is hold up inside Mansion Nukem; a flamboyant stately home populated by scantily clad princesses and brimming with salacious one-liners.

“Anyone mind if I take off my pants?” Er, me? Luckily Duke keeps his duke sheathed, leaving the ladies to gyrate in that nervous videogame way, jiggle poorly modelled boobies and throw their own racy observations into the not-very-sexy fray.

“I’ll go down with you any time.” To the supermarket? I guess the company would be nice.

 

Vampire Smile has been parading around XBLA for the past five days during which I’ve maimed, eviscerated, decapitated, mutilated and disemboweled more robot sharks et.al than Russel Crowe has maimed mangey barbarians throughout his entire fim career. I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the experience but this trailer does a better job of selling the bloodstained sequel than endless superlatives.

Take note of the motley collection of bone-liquifying instruments both The Dishwasher and new-fangled heroine Yuki employ here. Yuki’s chainsaw arm is pretty sweet but it gets better. At 0.28 seconds observe the hammer of armageddon, which eschews puny DIY tool conventions in favour of a concrete block attached to a jumbo ice lolly stick. A concrete block wrapped in barbed wire. Skip to 0.46 for The Dishwasher’s enormous ribbon cutting scissors and just two seconds after that fiendish display he’s brandishing a Super Soaker.

Warning to children: There definitely will be blood. And cool, lots of untamed cool. In no uncertain terms I suggest playing this game.

 

So this trailer’s kind of two years old but it does bear some relevance to the sunny week gone by because the Half Life 2 mod Dino D-Day has been released as an actual game. What’s better than prancing mademoiselles and shark robots? Dinosaurs, obviously.

So in stomps Dino D-Day to bombastically rewrite the history of World War 2 like only a 9 year old could. Hitler didn’t almost conquer Europe with complex machinery and a radical financial system. No, the infamous moustache’s secret weapon was the Tyrannosaurus Rex. See for yourself below.

The face of all things evil and corrupt? Don't be so stupid.

Now I don’t mind suspending disbelief to the point where I punch T-Rex in the sniffer in the name of preserving Her Majesty’s land. But I do lodge protest against that first newspaper shown in the trailer. That’s a Brachiosaurus right there (I think that’s a bulge on its head), which is basically a Diplodocus and I spent enough Saturday mornings watching The Land Before Time to know that never has there walked – nor never shall there walk – a more cordial creature. Littlefoot would perish in the fires of eternal damnation before he lifted a tiny hoof against me.

I’m also not sure I approve of the idea that us Europeans bowed down to our Nazi dino overlords, and that only the might and fortitude of our American brethren could relinquish us from a life of slavery at the hands of Raptor-riding Germans. Other than that though, it’s all good.

Regrettably as a Mac-owning console gamer the closest I’m going to come to fist-fighting T-Rex is duking it out with a Deathclaw in Fallout. And those duels usually last all of twelve seconds before I’m pulverised into human Ribena.

 

You can view all previous The Week in Trailers features by clicking on the features bar at the top of this page and navigating to the conveniently titled “The Week in Trailers” menu. Do it, and your penis will grow 1mm – you need all the help you can get.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: