I’ve forestalled a full-blown existential crisis to bring you this review.
Lost Planet 3 is a third-person shooter videogame entertainment experience. On the list of Lost Planet 3’s most remarkable features, this is Lost Planet 3’s most remarkable feature.
Lost Planet 3 is not a bad game. Lost Planet 3 is not a good game. Lost Planet 3 is the prequel to Lost Planet: Extreme Condition. This much is true.
Lost Planet 3 is the Neutral Race and I am Captain Zapp Brannigan.
Lost Planet 3 is a videogame about a man. That man is Jim Peyton. His friends call him James. You can call him Jim Peyton. Jim Peyton has an unusually long face, like perhaps he spent a whole year yawning and his face never fully recovered. Jim Peyton would be good friends with most videogame men because Jim Peyton has the charisma and pull of a stuffed pigeon.
Jim Peyton does have a beard. Jim Peyton does shoot aliens with guns designed to shoot aliens. Jim Peyton does have stoicism listed under “other” on his CV. Jim Peyton can roll. Jim Peyton can hide behind Jim Peyton Junior-high cover. Jim Peyton will say things like “Jim Peyton still has it”. Jim Peyton does have a wife but will never tell her he loves her.
Jim Peyton is a videogame man in a videogame.
Jim Peyton is working on a planet made of ice so that he has money to send home to his family who do not live on a planet made of ice because they have seen John Carpenter’s The Thing all the way to the end. How can we trust Jim Peyton who has not seen John Carpenter’s The Thing all the way to the end and has an unusually long face?
Lost Planet 3 has objectives like “Defend the Rig” and “Restore all six power stations”. A lady with a computer voice says things like “Transfer error” and “System malfunction” when you press buttons in Lost Planet 3. When you need something in Lost Planet 3, it is not close. When you reach an objective in Lost Planet 3, the objective moves.
If Lost Planet 3 were a comedian, it would only have one joke. The joke is this: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Lost Planet 3 could be described as numbing.
Lost Planet 3 could not be described as open-world in the textbook sense, because that would be a lie. You can roam E.D.N. III, but you will not want to. It’s not really anybody’s fault. An ice cave is an ice cave. An ice plane is an ice plane. An ice cream is an ice cream. After 14 hours, these things hold true.
There are so many loading screens in Lost Planet 3 that it should be called Loading Screen Planet 3. Or Snoblivion.
Lost Planet 3 adheres to this formula: walk through grey corridor; walk into grey room; fight bad guys; repeat many times; get in big robot; walk through big grey corridor; walk into big grey room; fight big boss by pressing buttons that appear on-screen; repeat many times.
If Lost Planet 3 were a fast car, it would not be Lost Planet 3.
Lost Planet 3 has text logs and audio diaries. Lost Planet 3 has a currency system and weapon upgrades. Lost Planet 3 has quicktime events and cutscenes that do not end when you press A or B or Back or Start or either trigger or all of them all at once many times.
Lost Planet 3 has a bit where Jim Peyton crosses a bridge. The bridge collapses. Lost Planet 3 has a bit where Jim Peyton ducks through a small space. Nothing happens. Lost Planet 3 has a bit where Jim Peyton fights waves of bad guys while a door opens. The door opens slowly. Lost Planet 3 has a bit where Jim Peyton must walk while he talks. Jim Peyton is not allowed to run during this section. His running muscles have broken.
Lost Planet 3 speaks the language of the third-person shooter with precision but without love.
The voice acting in Lost Planet 3 is sunk by a script that is unsure whether it has been written for a Victorian period drama, a Saturday morning children’s TV show or a sci-fi videogame. Characters in Lost Planet 3 say things like “the verities of truth” and “that’s bananas”.
Lost Planet 3 has many enemies for Jim Peyton to shoot. Enemies in Lost Planet 3 look like overgrown genitalia stitched together by the surgeon from that centipede film during his first semester at surgeon school. Most of the enemies in Lost Planet 3 charge at Jim Peyton. The enemies do not charge at anyone else. We do not know why the enemies charge at Jim Peyton. It could be his unusually long face. Lost Planet 3 is not an allegory for the spirited fight back against bullying.
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Lost Planet 3 should stop being such a milquetoast and send Dead Space a love letter.
Lost Planet 3 has The Crab Boss and The Scorpion Boss. To defeat The Crab Boss, Jim Peyton must roll using his Videogame Academy of Rolling rolling skills and then shoot The Crab Boss in the back ten million times. To defeat The Scorpion Boss, Jim Peyton must follow the on-screen instructions while in his Big Robot. If Jim Peyton attempts to use his Big Robot’s industrial-drill, industrial-winch, industrial-flamethrower, or industrial-fists without the game’s express permission, The Scorpion Boss cannot be harmed. The winch, when used without the game’s express permission, will collide with The Scorpion Boss’ glowing fleshy weak spot and slide down like a speck of vomit on the upwards facing toilet seat at 3.30am on a Saturday morning.
Lost Planet 3 has big robots that can crush, drill or rip smaller enemies into even smaller enemies. The big robots are used primarily as transport.
In Lost Planet 3 you can fast-travel.
Lost Planet 3 is a third-person shooter about a man who shoots aliens for fourteen hours. It is a third-person shooter that behaves exactly how a third-person shooter should behave. Lost Planet 3 is so inoffensive that at times it ceases to exist in all but the first dimension.
Do I exist in more than one dimension?
Who am I?