The Abridged Script: Ninja Gaiden 3 Part 3



EXT. FRENCH POLYNESIA - WHEREVER THAT IS. 
JET FIGHTERS are SOARING dangerously close to the OCEAN. RYU HAYABUSA 
is in a JET wearing no HELEMT. 
 PILOT  
Look buddy, we don't wear these things 
to look cool, they help us breath. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Us Ninja aren't shackled by your 
primitive respiratory systems. Please 
open the cockpit. 
 PILOT 
So you're going to jump from one plane 
to another. That's fucking retarded.
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Dude just open the fucking cockpit I 
can't breath! 
RYU LEAPS from the PLANE and SOARS down toward MISUKI's JET. MISUKI
HOLDS OUT her HAND and RYU grabs on in slow motion, JUMPING into the 
BACK SEAT of the JET. 
 MIZUKI 
That was the most retarded moment in 
the history of videogames. In a medium 
steeped in idiocy, that, that right 
there, that was the nadir.
 RYU HAYABUSA 
I know. Let's go rescue your 
daughter. 
MIZUKI PILOTS the JET down as the BLACK NARWHAL SURFACES.
RYU LEAPS from the COCKPIT, DODGES some MISSILES midair 
and LANDS SWORD-FIRST on an ARTILLERY BATTERY. He goes 
on to DESTROY no less than THREE SHIPS with his SWORD 
before confronting the L.A.O CHAIRMAN. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
You're insane old chair-man. 
 L.A.O CHAIRMAN 
You'd never understand Ryu Hayabusa. 
You're nothing but a coldhearted 
murderer! 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Are you serious? The man who has pooled 
countless recourses in a bid to take 
over the world by cloning dinosaurs, 
creating mutants and hiring a mercenary 
army to annex cities worldwide is giving 
me a lesson on morality? Bro, you could 
have used all that money to solve global 
warming or cure cancer. Who are you 
anyway? You've only just been introduced 
to the story and they're killing you off 
already?What happened to the V For Vendetta 
dude? 
 L.A.O CHAIRMAN 
Enough small talk. I'm going to use my 
chair powers to turn myself into a robot 
dinosaur with flamethrower arms. I've not 
done this before - or turned myself into 
a robot so that I can walk - because it 
would have ruined the veneer of this lovely 
chair but now I have no choice.
The L.A.O CHAIRMAN uses his CHAIR POWERS to TRANSFORM himself 
into a ROBOT DINOSAUR WITH FLAMETHROWER ARMS. RYU DEFEATS him 
by DESTROYING his GLOWING ORANGE WEAK SPOTS.
 
 L.A.O CHAIRMAN 
(cough) 
You can't stop us Ryu Hayabusa. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Dude, have you even played Ninja Gaiden?  
I've drained the life from far bigger 
morons than you. 
 L.A.O CHAIRMAN 
(wheeze) 
Too hard. Those clingy ghost-fish... 
cheap little bastards. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Amen brother. Anyway,you have to die 
now. 
RYU KILLS the L.A.O CHAIRMAN and THE BLACK NARWHAL begins to DIVE. 
RYU CLAMBERS inside and FIGHTS through the belly of the ship until 
he reaches another EGG ROOM. This time, CANNA is inside the EGG. 
The REGENT OF THE MASK is ADMIRING the EGG. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Oh. It's you. The writers kind of forgot 
about you, huh? 
 REGENT OF THE MASK 
Yeah, I was supposed to be the big bad 
main villain but I ran out of things to 
say so we went off on a tangent for a 
while. Did you defeat the Chairman? He 
was pretty pointless but the game needed 
some padding during that second act. 
This is the final act now. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Fucking A! 
RYU and the REGENT OF THE MASK DUEL in front of CANNA. After a 
bit of SWORDPLAY, RYU DEFEATS the REGENT OF THE MASK by SLICING 
his MASK in TWO. ONE HALF FALLS from his FACE. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Christ! You're really going for this 
two-face metaphor thing. We get it, 
everyone is a bit good and a bit bad. 
RYU INSPECTS the FACE of the REGENT OF THE MASK. It is CANNA'S
DAD, MIZUKI'S HUSBAND. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Well fuck, there go my chances, whisked 
away on those final shallow breaths. 
CLIFF ENTERS
 CLIFF 
(slow clap) 
A mighty show Ryu Hayabusa.  
 RYU HAYABUSA 
You again. Didn't Canna's father die in 
an accident? 
 CLIFF 
No, I killed Theodore because he opposed 
my plans for world domination. But as we
were using his DNA to create a moon-
dinosaur-hamster hybrid with eleven
legs and flamethrower arms to sell to
kiddies, I realised you needed an evil
arch nemesis. So I brought him back
from the dead. Don't ask me how. Anyway
I erased all his memories and I've been
controlling him using an AI built into
his mask ever since. So you see, he
wasn't really a bad guy after all.
And now you've killed Canna's Dad.
You're a bad man Ryu Hayabusa.

 CANNA 
WHY DID YOU KILL MY DADDY? MURDERER! 
 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
She's talking now? 
RYU is suddenly DISABLED by his RED ARM. CLIFF PLUNGES his HAND 
THROUGH RYU'S ARMOUR, SKIN and MUSCLE and YANKS the DRAGON SWORD
out from his HEART. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
That's where that went! Also, what the 
fuck just happened? 
 CLIFF 
Yes! This sword is inexplicably the 
catalyst for the God-creation process. 
CLIFF hurls the DRAGON SWORD into the EGG CHAMBER and CANNA is 
CONVERTED into a BIPEDAL GOD. JETS fire MISSILES at CANNA but 
she's IMPERVIOUS to their ATTACKS; kind of like the ALIEN 
SPACESHIPS in INDEPENDENCE DAY. The camera cuts to get a real 
close look at CANNA'S ARSE and RYU FOUNDERS in the OCEAN 
LEONARDO DI CAPRIO STYLE.

 INT. JSDF CRUISER ZANGETSU - JAPAN. 
MIZUKI is TENDING to RYU'S INVISIBLE WOUNDS. He WAKES from a 
DREAM about RECEIVING a SWORD from some WEIRD LOOKING DUDE. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Wow, you guys found me. Last time I 
checked I was sinking and the scene 
above water didn't look too hot either. 
Wasn't Canna on a rampage? 
 MIZUKI McCLOUD 
You were out there like Kate Winslet 
in Titanic, clinging to a piece of 
wreckage. We found you Hayabusa, but 
I'm afraid Leonardo Di Caprio is dead. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Thanks for saving my life and please, 
for fuck's sake, call me Ryu. 
 MIZUKI McCLOUD 
Hmm, the script guys aren't going to 
like that. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
You don't seem particularly distressed 
considering you just witnessed your 
four-year-old daughter turn into a 
gigantic-titted naked God with a 
fuck-off massive sword. Oh, also, 
that V For Vendetta guy was your 
husband. I killed him. Sorry. 
 MIZUKI McCLOUD 
That was Canna? 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Yes. And Yosuke Hayashi made me 
promise to protect her so let's 
go already. 
 MIZUKI McCLOUD 
Wait! Do you remember when Canna 
asked you to be her daddy? 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Like the sound of Doku's head hitting 
the dirt. The most degrading moment of 
my career. 
 MIZUKI McCLOUD 
You. Me. Her. A family. You know what 
I'm saying? 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Look, lady. Your daughter's currently 
ransacking Tokyo in some misguided 
21st century retelling of Godzilla, 
let's worry about who gets the girl 
later, okay?

EXT. TOKYO - JAPAN. 
The HELICOPTER takes off from the JSDF CRUISER. Onboard, ISHIGAMI, 
RYU and MIZUKI are WATCHING NEWS FOOTAGE of CANNA RAMPAGING through 
TOKYO. The HELICOPTER suddenly SHUDDERS violently. 
 HELICOPTER PILOT 
Holy shit! There's some kind of 
paranormal activity here, it's 
just like wind only I can't fly
my helicopter through it! 
 ISHIMAGI 
Alright Ryu, off you get. Due to this
wind-like paranormal activity you'll
have to go play some more wave-mode.
We'll meet you later. 
RYU LEAPS from another airborne HELICOPTER, SLASHES an enemy 
HELICOPTER in half and lands SWORD-FIRST on a ROBOT SPIDER. He 
then BATTLES through the streets of TOKYO until he's OVERWHELMED 
by 7 FIENDS. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
For fuck's sake, another cutscene. Why 
am I always so helpless in the cutscenes? 
And why do these Fiends have exploding 
backpacks like those little guys from 
Halo? 
Suddenly, JOE HAYABUSA, MOMIJI and MOMIJI'S MASSIVE TITS SHOW UP to 
SAVE RYU. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Do I have one of those tracking devices 
like dogs have in their necks? 
 JOE HAYABUSA 
No son. MacGuffin told us where to 
find you, he's the greatest wizard 
in all the land. Now go, leave us 
bit-parters! 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
That cameo was more contrived than 
that one where Quentin Tarantino cast 
himself in Pulp Fiction just so he 
could say the N-word repeatedly. 
 TEAM NINJA DIRECTOR YOSUKE HAYASHI 
Wait until you see who we've got 
lined up next! 
RYU LEAVES his BLIND FATHER and MOMIJI'S TITS to DUKE IT OUT with 
the FIENDS. He FIGHTS some more FIENDS and MUTANTS and SHIT until 
he stumbles upon MURAMASA. 
 MURAMASA 
Remember me? I used to sell weapons 
and upgrades but Team Ninja thought that 
crap was too complex for pew-pew loving 
Americans so now I'm selling crack in 
Tokyo whorehouses. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Could this scene be any more hamfisted? 
 MURAMASA 
Yes. My Old Man Senses are telling me 
that this murdering tit-god isn't actually 
evil Ryu. The Dragon Sword can only kill 
that which is evil. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
So why the fuck have they been trying to 
make the audience sympathise with terrorists 
and wolf-pig mongrels! If the sword and by 
extension I can only kill that which is 
truly evil, why the fucking fuck is my 
morality the focal point of this whole 
shitting game!? I've been saying it all 
along, I am not evil. I never have been! 
I've only inflicted pain and suffering 
onto those who are actually evil! God 
damnit!
 MURAMASA 
Hmm. I don't think they've thought this 
one through. Anyway, you can't kill the 
demon-Goddess because she's actually a 
four year old. 
At this point MUZAKI HANDBRAKE TURNS around a CORNER and PULLS 
UP ahead of RYU in a JEEP.  
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Right, gotta go old man. I promised a 
little girl I'd keep her and her mommy 
safe. 
 MURAMASA 
Wow, you really are a pussy now. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Yeah they've fucked this one up good 
and proper. Toodles.   
RYU ENTERS the JEEP on the PASSENGER SIDE. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
I was about to make a snide remark about 
how easily you found me in this gigantic 
city but it's just not worth it anymore. 
MIZUKI RELEASES the HANDBRAKE and the JEEP SPEEDS away. As the pair 
are ROCKETING along the HIGHWAY, JET-PACK SOLDIERS and HELICOPTERS
attempt to DESTROY the JEEP. 
 MIZUKI McCloud
Ryu, it's time for a bungling turret 
section. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
What the fuck! This jeep doesn't even 
have a turret! And I'm a ninja not a 
U.S. Marine! 
 MIZUKI McCloud
Use that crappy auto-aim bow that shatters 
any sense of challenge. 
RYU uses his AUTO-AIM BOW to KILL all the JET-PACK SOLDIERS and 
HELICOPTERS before they DITCH the JEEP and CONTINUE on foot. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Ow my red arm really hurts. 
 MIZUKI McCloud
Shit I forgot all about that. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Yeah so did the writers but I'm going to 
moan about it for a few seconds to remind 
the audience then get back to the killing. 
 MIZUKI McCloud
Okay, I'll follow you with this gun. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Wait (beat) Can I get one of those? 
 MIZUKI McCloud
Nah, although there'll probably be an 
AC-130 scene in Ninja Gaiden 4. 
RYU and MIZUKI STUMBLE through the RUINS of TOKYO and into a CLEARING. 
CLIFF is STOOD on some RUBBLE. 
 CLIFF 
Oh look it's the MURDERER. 
(awkward silence) 
I SAID, OH LOOK IT'S THE MUR-DER-RER. 
(further silence) 
Whatever. Anyway, I promised to take 
care of Canna and I've turned her 
into a murdering God. 
(beat) 
Oh fuck! 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Nice contradiction fuck-features. 
 MIZUKI McCloud
Cliff, you really are an arsehole and 
while I probably should have seen this
all coming a mile off, I'm still going
to act shocked. How could you! Also, why 
Canna?  
 CLIFF 
I'm not going to explain this properly 
but the original plan was to use your 
sister. Then she died. But we still 
used cells from her dead body, merging 
the DNA of Canna, your sister and Ryu 
into that Super-God thing back there. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Yo Cliff, science-fiction called, 
they've struck you off the mailing list
 CLIFF 
Those bastards! Anyway, it's high time 
for another erroneous comparison to a 
biblical story. I'm going to be Adam. 
Canna's going to be Eve. Hmm, that was 
a bit rudimentary, thinking about it. 
Okay, time for me to turn into a demon 
ready to be slain by you Ryu. Thanks 
for not killing me all those other 
times you had the chance. 
CLIFF TRANSFORMS into a MUTANT with FOUR ARMS and LONG HAIR. His 
BEANIE is GONE and his VOICE is an OCTAVE LOWER. 
 MIZUKI 
Hey Cliff, your balls dropped! 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Are we just going to turn a blind 
eye to this nonsense? 
 CLIFF 
Yes. 
CLIFF and RYU fight. RYU is DEFEATED. CLIFF charges his SUPER 
GOD POWERS to finally KILL RYU but then suddenly a RED BALL OF 
MAGIC KNOCKS CLIFF onto his BUM. Then THEODORE JUMPS down from a 
LEDGE to SAVE THE DAY. 
 CLIFF 
Oi! Only I'm allowed to make up the 
rules as I go along. Ryu killed you! 
 THEODORE 
Yeah we're just glossing over that part. 
Shh. 
THEODORE STABS CLIFF and CLIFF STUMBLES back CLUTCHING his WOUNDS. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
So the four-hundred times I stab you isn't 
quite enough but one cutscene and a quick 
poke and you're dead? 
 MIZUKI McCloud
Why Cliff? Why have you wasted your life 
cloning dinosaurs and making Godzilla?
 CLIFF 
You guys aren't going to believe this but 
(beat) 
I was just jealous of everyone being more 
popular than me. 
(Deafening silence) 
I'm going to go the way of the 
scriptwriter's career now but before I 
die here are some more dumb rules. If 
you don't kill Canna the world is going 
to go to shit. If you kill Canna, Canna 
is going to die. It's not really a tough 
when you consider it's one life against 
six billion, but hey, more profound than 
bone-dragon and Aztec ruins, right? Okay, 
I'm dead now. 
CLIFF DIES. His CORPSE EVAPORATES LEAVING only CLIFF'S GLASSES. 
 THEODORE 
I should probably introduce myself. Hi, 
I'm Theodore. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
You're still alive? 
 THEODORE 
Yes. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
How? 
 THEODORE 
Yes. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
No, I'm asking you how you're still alive. 
I killed you. I jammed my sword so far up 
your arse I turned you into the human Fab. 
 THEODORE 
Yes. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
They're not going to explain this are 
they? 
 THEODORE 
Nope. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Not even something as contrived as a 
Lazarus Pit? 
 THEODORE 
No.  
 MIZUKI McCloud
Fuck! I've got so many questions. There 
are so many plot-holes that need filling. 
So many inconsistencies! So much bullshit! 
Please Theodore, I'm begging you. Make 
everything okay. Help make it all make 
sense! 
 THEODORE 
I'll explain everything once the 
credits roll except I won't because 
Ryu and I are going to fight and I'm 
going to die. For now, Ryu and I must 
team up to save Canna! Nobody question 
my sudden change of allegiance!   
RYU and THEODORE team up and FIGHT more MUTANTS and FIENDS and 
SHIT until they reachCANNA'S INDEPENDENCE DAY SPACESHIP FORCEFIELD. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Right. We can't get through. I've 
tried everything, light attack, strong 
attack, jumping, double jumping. That's 
all they've given me this time. We're 
screwed. 
 THEODORE 
Nah, right before I saved your life I 
had coffee with MacGuffin. He gave me 
this shield-turner-offer doohickey. 
Hold on a second. 
THEODORE uses MAGIC POWERS to DESTROY CANNA'S SHIELD. Then 
CANNA APPEARS. 
 CANNA 
Why? Why!? Why did you have to destroy 
my shield? Don't you idiots get it? 
That wasn't a shield to protect me from 
you, it was a shield to keep out all 
the bullshit. Finally, I was free from 
all the inane contradictory, plot-hole 
bollocks! Dinosaurs. Fucking dinosaurs!! 
All I want is a little peace and quiet, 
a place where I can rest my brain and 
try to recover the millions of lost 
brain cells. But you've ruined that. 
Please. Just kill me. Jam rusty sporks 
into my eyes and set my feet on fire. 
I can't take it anymore. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Okay! 
THEODORE BETRAYS RYU. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Wow. I didn't see that coming. 
 THEODORE 
Canna is my daughter. I can't let 
you kill her, even though it is your 
destiny. It is my fatherly duty to 
protect her even if that means dooming 
6 billion other people and sitting 
back and watching as the world is raped 
by a marauding, 200-foot tall, naked 
four-year-old. Remember, you can't 
save the world and save Canna. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Okay, got it. Let's get this over with.  
We both know I'm going to win. 
RYU and THEODORE CROSS SWORDS for the third time. RYU JAMS his 
SWORDS through THEODORE'S CHEST and, with his DYING BREATHS, 
THEODORE LIFTS the CURSE from RYU. 
 RYU HAYABUSA So this is your redemption,
right? Could have just lifted the curse 
and then killed yourself back with Cliff 
bro, would have saved us both a whole 
world of hassle. 
 THEODORE 
Yeah but they needed another boss fight. 
THEODORE COPS IT and RYU REMOVES his MASK. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
I. AM. HUMAN! 
CANNA APPEARS and the FINAL BOSS FIGHT commences. After a right 
KERFUFFLE RYU DESTROYS CANNA'S giant DRAGON SWORD which then FALLS 
out of the SKY inNORMAL-SIZED form. RYU places a GLOWING GEM in 
its HILT to UNLOCK its TRUE POWER. As he GRABS the GLOWING GEM 
from his back pocket, CANNA'S SHURIKEN ORIGAMI falls to the GROUND. 
RYU has a FLASHBACK consisting of several FREEZE-FRAMES featuring 
CANNA. He then SLICES CANNA'S GOD-HEAD open, just missing CANNA 
herself, who is somehow ASLEEP. GOD-CANNA is KILLED and FOUR-YEAR
-OLD CANNA begins TUMBLING toward the GROUND. FORTUNATELY she 
FALLS DIRECTLY into RYU'S ARMS. 
 CANNA 
Daddy? 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Nah sorry, I just killed gun, Again. 
MAGIC PIXIE DUST begins FALLING and there's a quick shot of a FIEND DYING.
 
EXT. TOKYO - JAPAN 
CANNA is LYING on the GROUND, alone and SURROUNDED by MILITARY 
PERSONNEL. MIZUKI RUSHES to her. An UNMASKED RYU HAYABUSA WATCHES 
on from the SHADOWS. He SMILES and turns to LEAVE. 
 ISHIGAMI 
Leaving so soon? 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
I'm not Daddy metarial and I need to 
give my career some serious thought. 
 ISHIGAMI 
You are not a murderer. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
You guys really ought to look up the 
term. The killing of one human being 
by another... that's my job description. 
 ISHIGAMI 
Well, sure, but you're not a bad man 
Ryu Hayabusa! 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
I know, the only people that weren't 
painfully aware of that fact were the 
numpties that wrote this game. 
 ISHIGAMI 
I guess that's what it means to be a 
ninja. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
How profound. 
 ISHIGAMI 
Well, thanks for saving Mizuki and 
Canna. I'm not going to thank you 
for saving the entire world because 
that's not what this was about. Bye 
now. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
Wait. You're not going to explain 
anything? 
 ISHIGAMI 
What else needs explaining Ryu? You 
saved the girls. You proved you were 
a good person. This poignant story of 
good versus evil and humanity has 
reached its end. 
 RYU HAYABUSA 
And the dinosaurs, the mutants, the 
fiends randomly showing up midway 
through, the virtual reality that I 
broke out of physically? How about 
explaining where you disappeared to 
for half the game? Or how you found 
me in Antarctica? Or how Theodore 
came back from the dead again? Or 
how come Canna didn't die even though 
it was repeated like twenty times 
that it wasn't possible to save both 
Canna and the world? What about that 
massive demon-tit woman back at the 
Hayabusa Ninja Village? Are we going
to find out if my Dad and Momiji are 
dead? What about Muramasa? Was there 
actually anything connecting me and 
Canna? Also, why the fuck did it take
the army an entire week to mobilise, 
don't think I didn't notice them back 
there! God damnit this game is so 
fucking dumb! 
 ISHIGAMI 
Wait until you see the multiplayer. You 
can't quit midgame, even if you're 
playing co-op alone. The Americans are 
going to fucking love this game! 
RYU HAYABUSA RUNS AWAY. He JUMPS across some ROOFTOPS in super 
FAST-MOTION. Then there's a FREEZEFRAME on RYU'S FACE. A single 
TEAR SLIPS from his EYE. 
END.

		
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