EXT. FRENCH POLYNESIA - WHEREVER THAT IS.
JET FIGHTERS are SOARING dangerously close to the OCEAN. RYU HAYABUSA is in a JET wearing no HELEMT.
PILOT Look buddy, we don't wear these things to look cool, they help us breath.
RYU HAYABUSA Us Ninja aren't shackled by your primitive respiratory systems. Please open the cockpit.
PILOT So you're going to jump from one plane to another. That's fucking retarded.
RYU HAYABUSA Dude just open the fucking cockpit I can't breath!
RYU LEAPS from the PLANE and SOARS down toward MISUKI's JET. MISUKI HOLDS OUT her HAND and RYU grabs on in slow motion, JUMPING into the BACK SEAT of the JET.
MIZUKI That was the most retarded moment in the history of videogames. In a medium steeped in idiocy, that, that right there, that was the nadir.
RYU HAYABUSA I know. Let's go rescue your daughter.
MIZUKI PILOTS the JET down as the BLACK NARWHAL SURFACES. RYU LEAPS from the COCKPIT, DODGES some MISSILES midair and LANDS SWORD-FIRST on an ARTILLERY BATTERY. He goes on to DESTROY no less than THREE SHIPS with his SWORD before confronting the L.A.O CHAIRMAN.
RYU HAYABUSA You're insane old chair-man.
L.A.O CHAIRMAN You'd never understand Ryu Hayabusa. You're nothing but a coldhearted murderer!
RYU HAYABUSA Are you serious? The man who has pooled countless recourses in a bid to take over the world by cloning dinosaurs, creating mutants and hiring a mercenary army to annex cities worldwide is giving me a lesson on morality? Bro, you could have used all that money to solve global warming or cure cancer. Who are you anyway? You've only just been introduced to the story and they're killing you off already?What happened to the V For Vendetta dude?
L.A.O CHAIRMAN Enough small talk. I'm going to use my chair powers to turn myself into a robot dinosaur with flamethrower arms. I've not done this before - or turned myself into a robot so that I can walk - because it would have ruined the veneer of this lovely chair but now I have no choice.
The L.A.O CHAIRMAN uses his CHAIR POWERS to TRANSFORM himself into a ROBOT DINOSAUR WITH FLAMETHROWER ARMS. RYU DEFEATS him by DESTROYING his GLOWING ORANGE WEAK SPOTS.
L.A.O CHAIRMAN (cough) You can't stop us Ryu Hayabusa.
RYU HAYABUSA Dude, have you even played Ninja Gaiden? I've drained the life from far bigger morons than you.
L.A.O CHAIRMAN (wheeze) Too hard. Those clingy ghost-fish... cheap little bastards.
RYU HAYABUSA Amen brother. Anyway,you have to die now.
RYU KILLS the L.A.O CHAIRMAN and THE BLACK NARWHAL begins to DIVE. RYU CLAMBERS inside and FIGHTS through the belly of the ship until he reaches another EGG ROOM. This time, CANNA is inside the EGG. The REGENT OF THE MASK is ADMIRING the EGG.
RYU HAYABUSA Oh. It's you. The writers kind of forgot about you, huh?
REGENT OF THE MASK Yeah, I was supposed to be the big bad main villain but I ran out of things to say so we went off on a tangent for a while. Did you defeat the Chairman? He was pretty pointless but the game needed some padding during that second act. This is the final act now.
RYU HAYABUSA Fucking A!
RYU and the REGENT OF THE MASK DUEL in front of CANNA. After a bit of SWORDPLAY, RYU DEFEATS the REGENT OF THE MASK by SLICING his MASK in TWO. ONE HALF FALLS from his FACE.
RYU HAYABUSA Christ! You're really going for this two-face metaphor thing. We get it, everyone is a bit good and a bit bad.
RYU INSPECTS the FACE of the REGENT OF THE MASK. It is CANNA'S DAD, MIZUKI'S HUSBAND.
RYU HAYABUSA Well fuck, there go my chances, whisked away on those final shallow breaths.
CLIFF (slow clap) A mighty show Ryu Hayabusa.
RYU HAYABUSA You again. Didn't Canna's father die in an accident?
CLIFF No, I killed Theodore because he opposed my plans for world domination. But as we were using his DNA to create a moon- dinosaur-hamster hybrid with eleven legs and flamethrower arms to sell to kiddies, I realised you needed an evil arch nemesis. So I brought him back from the dead. Don't ask me how. Anyway I erased all his memories and I've been controlling him using an AI built into his mask ever since. So you see, he wasn't really a bad guy after all. And now you've killed Canna's Dad. You're a bad man Ryu Hayabusa. CANNA WHY DID YOU KILL MY DADDY? MURDERER!
RYU HAYABUSA She's talking now?
RYU is suddenly DISABLED by his RED ARM. CLIFF PLUNGES his HAND THROUGH RYU'S ARMOUR, SKIN and MUSCLE and YANKS the DRAGON SWORD out from his HEART.
RYU HAYABUSA That's where that went! Also, what the fuck just happened?
CLIFF Yes! This sword is inexplicably the catalyst for the God-creation process.
CLIFF hurls the DRAGON SWORD into the EGG CHAMBER and CANNA is CONVERTED into a BIPEDAL GOD. JETS fire MISSILES at CANNA but she's IMPERVIOUS to their ATTACKS; kind of like the ALIEN SPACESHIPS in INDEPENDENCE DAY. The camera cuts to get a real close look at CANNA'S ARSE and RYU FOUNDERS in the OCEAN LEONARDO DI CAPRIO STYLE.
INT. JSDF CRUISER ZANGETSU - JAPAN.
MIZUKI is TENDING to RYU'S INVISIBLE WOUNDS. He WAKES from a DREAM about RECEIVING a SWORD from some WEIRD LOOKING DUDE.
RYU HAYABUSA Wow, you guys found me. Last time I checked I was sinking and the scene above water didn't look too hot either. Wasn't Canna on a rampage?
MIZUKI McCLOUD You were out there like Kate Winslet in Titanic, clinging to a piece of wreckage. We found you Hayabusa, but I'm afraid Leonardo Di Caprio is dead.
RYU HAYABUSA Thanks for saving my life and please, for fuck's sake, call me Ryu.
MIZUKI McCLOUD Hmm, the script guys aren't going to like that.
RYU HAYABUSA You don't seem particularly distressed considering you just witnessed your four-year-old daughter turn into a gigantic-titted naked God with a fuck-off massive sword. Oh, also, that V For Vendetta guy was your husband. I killed him. Sorry.
MIZUKI McCLOUD That was Canna?
RYU HAYABUSA Yes. And Yosuke Hayashi made me promise to protect her so let's go already.
MIZUKI McCLOUD Wait! Do you remember when Canna asked you to be her daddy?
RYU HAYABUSA Like the sound of Doku's head hitting the dirt. The most degrading moment of my career.
MIZUKI McCLOUD You. Me. Her. A family. You know what I'm saying?
RYU HAYABUSA Look, lady. Your daughter's currently ransacking Tokyo in some misguided 21st century retelling of Godzilla, let's worry about who gets the girl later, okay?
EXT. TOKYO - JAPAN.
The HELICOPTER takes off from the JSDF CRUISER. Onboard, ISHIGAMI, RYU and MIZUKI are WATCHING NEWS FOOTAGE of CANNA RAMPAGING through TOKYO. The HELICOPTER suddenly SHUDDERS violently.
HELICOPTER PILOT Holy shit! There's some kind of paranormal activity here, it's just like wind only I can't fly my helicopter through it!
ISHIMAGI Alright Ryu, off you get. Due to this wind-like paranormal activity you'll have to go play some more wave-mode. We'll meet you later.
RYU LEAPS from another airborne HELICOPTER, SLASHES an enemy HELICOPTER in half and lands SWORD-FIRST on a ROBOT SPIDER. He then BATTLES through the streets of TOKYO until he's OVERWHELMED by 7 FIENDS.
RYU HAYABUSA For fuck's sake, another cutscene. Why am I always so helpless in the cutscenes? And why do these Fiends have exploding backpacks like those little guys from Halo?
Suddenly, JOE HAYABUSA, MOMIJI and MOMIJI'S MASSIVE TITS SHOW UP to SAVE RYU.
RYU HAYABUSA Do I have one of those tracking devices like dogs have in their necks?
JOE HAYABUSA No son. MacGuffin told us where to find you, he's the greatest wizard in all the land. Now go, leave us bit-parters!
RYU HAYABUSA That cameo was more contrived than that one where Quentin Tarantino cast himself in Pulp Fiction just so he could say the N-word repeatedly.
TEAM NINJA DIRECTOR YOSUKE HAYASHI Wait until you see who we've got lined up next!
RYU LEAVES his BLIND FATHER and MOMIJI'S TITS to DUKE IT OUT with the FIENDS. He FIGHTS some more FIENDS and MUTANTS and SHIT until he stumbles upon MURAMASA.
MURAMASA Remember me? I used to sell weapons and upgrades but Team Ninja thought that crap was too complex for pew-pew loving Americans so now I'm selling crack in Tokyo whorehouses.
RYU HAYABUSA Could this scene be any more hamfisted?
MURAMASA Yes. My Old Man Senses are telling me that this murdering tit-god isn't actually evil Ryu. The Dragon Sword can only kill that which is evil.
RYU HAYABUSA So why the fuck have they been trying to make the audience sympathise with terrorists and wolf-pig mongrels! If the sword and by extension I can only kill that which is truly evil, why the fucking fuck is my morality the focal point of this whole shitting game!? I've been saying it all along, I am not evil. I never have been! I've only inflicted pain and suffering onto those who are actually evil! God damnit!
MURAMASA Hmm. I don't think they've thought this one through. Anyway, you can't kill the demon-Goddess because she's actually a four year old.
At this point MUZAKI HANDBRAKE TURNS around a CORNER and PULLS UP ahead of RYU in a JEEP.
RYU HAYABUSA Right, gotta go old man. I promised a little girl I'd keep her and her mommy safe.
MURAMASA Wow, you really are a pussy now.
RYU HAYABUSA Yeah they've fucked this one up good and proper. Toodles.
RYU ENTERS the JEEP on the PASSENGER SIDE.
RYU HAYABUSA I was about to make a snide remark about how easily you found me in this gigantic city but it's just not worth it anymore.
MIZUKI RELEASES the HANDBRAKE and the JEEP SPEEDS away. As the pair are ROCKETING along the HIGHWAY, JET-PACK SOLDIERS and HELICOPTERS attempt to DESTROY the JEEP.
MIZUKI McCloud Ryu, it's time for a bungling turret section.
RYU HAYABUSA What the fuck! This jeep doesn't even have a turret! And I'm a ninja not a U.S. Marine!
MIZUKI McCloud Use that crappy auto-aim bow that shatters any sense of challenge.
RYU uses his AUTO-AIM BOW to KILL all the JET-PACK SOLDIERS and HELICOPTERS before they DITCH the JEEP and CONTINUE on foot.
RYU HAYABUSA Ow my red arm really hurts.
MIZUKI McCloud Shit I forgot all about that.
RYU HAYABUSA Yeah so did the writers but I'm going to moan about it for a few seconds to remind the audience then get back to the killing.
MIZUKI McCloud Okay, I'll follow you with this gun.
RYU HAYABUSA Wait (beat) Can I get one of those?
MIZUKI McCloud Nah, although there'll probably be an AC-130 scene in Ninja Gaiden 4.
RYU and MIZUKI STUMBLE through the RUINS of TOKYO and into a CLEARING. CLIFF is STOOD on some RUBBLE.
CLIFF Oh look it's the MURDERER. (awkward silence) I SAID, OH LOOK IT'S THE MUR-DER-RER. (further silence) Whatever. Anyway, I promised to take care of Canna and I've turned her into a murdering God. (beat) Oh fuck!
RYU HAYABUSA Nice contradiction fuck-features.
MIZUKI McCloud Cliff, you really are an arsehole and while I probably should have seen this all coming a mile off, I'm still going to act shocked. How could you! Also, why Canna?
CLIFF I'm not going to explain this properly but the original plan was to use your sister. Then she died. But we still used cells from her dead body, merging the DNA of Canna, your sister and Ryu into that Super-God thing back there.
RYU HAYABUSA Yo Cliff, science-fiction called, they've struck you off the mailing list
CLIFF Those bastards! Anyway, it's high time for another erroneous comparison to a biblical story. I'm going to be Adam. Canna's going to be Eve. Hmm, that was a bit rudimentary, thinking about it. Okay, time for me to turn into a demon ready to be slain by you Ryu. Thanks for not killing me all those other times you had the chance.
CLIFF TRANSFORMS into a MUTANT with FOUR ARMS and LONG HAIR. His BEANIE is GONE and his VOICE is an OCTAVE LOWER.
MIZUKI Hey Cliff, your balls dropped!
RYU HAYABUSA Are we just going to turn a blind eye to this nonsense?
CLIFF and RYU fight. RYU is DEFEATED. CLIFF charges his SUPER GOD POWERS to finally KILL RYU but then suddenly a RED BALL OF MAGIC KNOCKS CLIFF onto his BUM. Then THEODORE JUMPS down from a LEDGE to SAVE THE DAY.
CLIFF Oi! Only I'm allowed to make up the rules as I go along. Ryu killed you!
THEODORE Yeah we're just glossing over that part. Shh.
THEODORE STABS CLIFF and CLIFF STUMBLES back CLUTCHING his WOUNDS.
RYU HAYABUSA So the four-hundred times I stab you isn't quite enough but one cutscene and a quick poke and you're dead?
MIZUKI McCloud Why Cliff? Why have you wasted your life cloning dinosaurs and making Godzilla?
CLIFF You guys aren't going to believe this but (beat) I was just jealous of everyone being more popular than me. (Deafening silence) I'm going to go the way of the scriptwriter's career now but before I die here are some more dumb rules. If you don't kill Canna the world is going to go to shit. If you kill Canna, Canna is going to die. It's not really a tough when you consider it's one life against six billion, but hey, more profound than bone-dragon and Aztec ruins, right? Okay, I'm dead now.
CLIFF DIES. His CORPSE EVAPORATES LEAVING only CLIFF'S GLASSES.
THEODORE I should probably introduce myself. Hi, I'm Theodore.
RYU HAYABUSA You're still alive?
RYU HAYABUSA How?
RYU HAYABUSA No, I'm asking you how you're still alive. I killed you. I jammed my sword so far up your arse I turned you into the human Fab.
RYU HAYABUSA They're not going to explain this are they?
RYU HAYABUSA Not even something as contrived as a Lazarus Pit?
MIZUKI McCloud Fuck! I've got so many questions. There are so many plot-holes that need filling. So many inconsistencies! So much bullshit! Please Theodore, I'm begging you. Make everything okay. Help make it all make sense!
THEODORE I'll explain everything once the credits roll except I won't because Ryu and I are going to fight and I'm going to die. For now, Ryu and I must team up to save Canna! Nobody question my sudden change of allegiance!
RYU and THEODORE team up and FIGHT more MUTANTS and FIENDS and SHIT until they reachCANNA'S INDEPENDENCE DAY SPACESHIP FORCEFIELD.
RYU HAYABUSA Right. We can't get through. I've tried everything, light attack, strong attack, jumping, double jumping. That's all they've given me this time. We're screwed.
THEODORE Nah, right before I saved your life I had coffee with MacGuffin. He gave me this shield-turner-offer doohickey. Hold on a second.
THEODORE uses MAGIC POWERS to DESTROY CANNA'S SHIELD. Then CANNA APPEARS.
CANNA Why? Why!? Why did you have to destroy my shield? Don't you idiots get it? That wasn't a shield to protect me from you, it was a shield to keep out all the bullshit. Finally, I was free from all the inane contradictory, plot-hole bollocks! Dinosaurs. Fucking dinosaurs!! All I want is a little peace and quiet, a place where I can rest my brain and try to recover the millions of lost brain cells. But you've ruined that. Please. Just kill me. Jam rusty sporks into my eyes and set my feet on fire. I can't take it anymore.
RYU HAYABUSA Okay!
THEODORE BETRAYS RYU.
RYU HAYABUSA Wow. I didn't see that coming.
THEODORE Canna is my daughter. I can't let you kill her, even though it is your destiny. It is my fatherly duty to protect her even if that means dooming 6 billion other people and sitting back and watching as the world is raped by a marauding, 200-foot tall, naked four-year-old. Remember, you can't save the world and save Canna.
RYU HAYABUSA Okay, got it. Let's get this over with. We both know I'm going to win.
RYU and THEODORE CROSS SWORDS for the third time. RYU JAMS his SWORDS through THEODORE'S CHEST and, with his DYING BREATHS, THEODORE LIFTS the CURSE from RYU.
RYU HAYABUSA So this is your redemption, right? Could have just lifted the curse and then killed yourself back with Cliff bro, would have saved us both a whole world of hassle.
THEODORE Yeah but they needed another boss fight.
THEODORE COPS IT and RYU REMOVES his MASK.
RYU HAYABUSA I. AM. HUMAN!
CANNA APPEARS and the FINAL BOSS FIGHT commences. After a right KERFUFFLE RYU DESTROYS CANNA'S giant DRAGON SWORD which then FALLS out of the SKY inNORMAL-SIZED form. RYU places a GLOWING GEM in its HILT to UNLOCK its TRUE POWER. As he GRABS the GLOWING GEM from his back pocket, CANNA'S SHURIKEN ORIGAMI falls to the GROUND. RYU has a FLASHBACK consisting of several FREEZE-FRAMES featuring CANNA. He then SLICES CANNA'S GOD-HEAD open, just missing CANNA herself, who is somehow ASLEEP. GOD-CANNA is KILLED and FOUR-YEAR -OLD CANNA begins TUMBLING toward the GROUND. FORTUNATELY she FALLS DIRECTLY into RYU'S ARMS.
RYU HAYABUSA Nah sorry, I just killed gun, Again.
MAGIC PIXIE DUST begins FALLING and there's a quick shot of a FIEND DYING.
EXT. TOKYO - JAPAN
CANNA is LYING on the GROUND, alone and SURROUNDED by MILITARY PERSONNEL. MIZUKI RUSHES to her. An UNMASKED RYU HAYABUSA WATCHES on from the SHADOWS. He SMILES and turns to LEAVE.
ISHIGAMI Leaving so soon?
RYU HAYABUSA I'm not Daddy metarial and I need to give my career some serious thought.
ISHIGAMI You are not a murderer.
RYU HAYABUSA You guys really ought to look up the term. The killing of one human being by another... that's my job description.
ISHIGAMI Well, sure, but you're not a bad man Ryu Hayabusa!
RYU HAYABUSA I know, the only people that weren't painfully aware of that fact were the numpties that wrote this game.
ISHIGAMI I guess that's what it means to be a ninja.
RYU HAYABUSA How profound.
ISHIGAMI Well, thanks for saving Mizuki and Canna. I'm not going to thank you for saving the entire world because that's not what this was about. Bye now.
RYU HAYABUSA Wait. You're not going to explain anything?
ISHIGAMI What else needs explaining Ryu? You saved the girls. You proved you were a good person. This poignant story of good versus evil and humanity has reached its end.
RYU HAYABUSA And the dinosaurs, the mutants, the fiends randomly showing up midway through, the virtual reality that I broke out of physically? How about explaining where you disappeared to for half the game? Or how you found me in Antarctica? Or how Theodore came back from the dead again? Or how come Canna didn't die even though it was repeated like twenty times that it wasn't possible to save both Canna and the world? What about that massive demon-tit woman back at the Hayabusa Ninja Village? Are we going to find out if my Dad and Momiji are dead? What about Muramasa? Was there actually anything connecting me and Canna? Also, why the fuck did it take the army an entire week to mobilise, don't think I didn't notice them back there! God damnit this game is so fucking dumb!
ISHIGAMI Wait until you see the multiplayer. You can't quit midgame, even if you're playing co-op alone. The Americans are going to fucking love this game!
RYU HAYABUSA RUNS AWAY. He JUMPS across some ROOFTOPS in super FAST-MOTION. Then there's a FREEZEFRAME on RYU'S FACE. A single TEAR SLIPS from his EYE.