The Endless Pounding, Pounding, Pounding: A Behind the Scenes Look at This Website

 

21 people have visited my site today. Alternatively, 1 fatally dull human being has 21 times. I think I know who. The busiest day on record was January 21st of this year. WordPress told me that. Someone from the website http://www.best-electric-scooter.net was directed here once. I didn’t have to dig deep to glean that nugget of worthless information. Five people have subscribed. This week I’m already 87% up on traffic compared to last.

Why do I care about these trivial statistics? I don’t. It’s all completely gratuitous. But over the years they have provided a few giggles that I think are worth sharing. The following are search terms people or bots (but we’ll pretend people) have entered into google and somehow wound up here as a result of. Some of these are outlandish. One is art. Enjoy.

 

“all theawards of 2010 and 2011”. 

All the awards? I mean, that’s one long fucking list buddy. Not to mention a risky one. The award for the longest ejaculation in a porno. Award for the best dramatic reenactment of Raoul Moat’s final hour. Do suicide cults award members with “best death?” Sadly Sally could not be here to accept this award.

It took me a gnat’s lifetime to string a sentence together about Kane & Lynch 2 in my awards article that didn’t culminate with: “and thus, it is with no small quota of sorrow that I must announce my retirement from this earth, for what I have seen cannot be unseen and that which I have heard cannot be unheard.” So an article featuring all the awards from 2010 and 2011 is certainly beyond my reach.

 

“zoey and francis fucking” 

This one shows up on page 5 of a Google search and only because the three keywords appear separately within the space of two sentences in my Left 4 Dead review. Who was searching for this? And how did they make it to page 5 without succumbing to an irrepressible sense of desolation followed by the urge to check out.

I also find it odd that there’s someone out there who thought they needed Google to find a video of a burly skinhead making sweet love to a brunette.

 

dante’s inferno attacking vaginas

My first response to this is, is it? Someone should notify the police. It reads like a red-top newspaper headline and is a pretty compelling argument for the use of commas. Come to think of it, I don’t recall any violent vaginas in Dante’s Inferno, just broken dreams and children’s tears merged into a vaguely interactive, creatively bankrupt six hours. I suppose it was cheaper than a lapdance.

 

“do its aged and weathered depths finally chafe from the endless pounding, pounding, pounding—cruel phallic penance deman…”

This is tragic. Far too tragic to laugh at. But that’s not even the real tragedy. The real tragedy is born out of the those three dots bringing up the rear. Together, they have denied me the opportunity to ever learn how this sentence ends or to which wonderful realm the story visits next. A Google search turns up inconclusive and it’s certainly nothing I’ve penned, sadly.

Cruel phallic punishment, endless pounding of a chafed, aged and weathered depth. What could it be? Your dad describing intercourse with your mum to his psychiatrist seems likely.

This is a stretch to believe so here’s a screencap.

There are scores of other, somewhat less dubious search terms that have landed people (or Google’s bots) here. “coll of truty black ops” is one of my favourites. Can’t say I understand: “littlefoot being stupid”. Is littlefoot Bigfoot’s bastard child? Can’t be easy raising ankle-biters when you can’t get to the store to buy a how-to guide.

Anyway, far from what I first believed to be pointless, WordPress‘ comprehensive stat tracking system has prompted me to write a novel. I’ll call it: The Endless Pounding, The Weathered Depths, Cruel Phallic Penance: The Life and Times of Sarah Jessica Parker.

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